In The Arms Of An Angel

Well, here I am again. All this time and life only seems to be worse. I know I am doing it to myself, no one controls my life, or choices but me. Saying I feel lost would be an understatement at this point. Drowning in despair more aptly fits my state of mind. I dont seem to care about anything anymore. I find myself wondering what it is Im supposed to learn from all this and when Im going to get smart and learn it. I wish I could feel something other than this crushing misery, but I cant seem to find my way back to anything good. I can feel God's finger on my heart, hopefully soon, I'll stop trying to push it away.
In all my life, I have never been so wrong, or felt so small as I do right now.

Another One Bites The Dust

Well, its been awhile, Im sure all of my faithful readers (ha ha) have missed me terribly. I'll have my internet back soon and so will be posting regularly. I miss writing, alot really. I do have a good excuse I suppose, since I've been thru hell and back since the last time I wrote. I've had a monkey or more apropos a demon on my back. Heroin. Yeah you read me right. Getting clean was hard, facing my family......much harder. I cant remember ever feeling so ashamed. I could barely look my parents in the eye. I know how much it hurt them,but sadly this is life and it has no rewind button, God knows some days I wish it did. All my life I've been the anti-drug queen so needless to say my friends and family were more than shocked when they found out I was a drug addict. What no one else knew my little secret was that 'I Knew' I had an addictive personality and that if I went over I might never come back. Hell, I almost didnt. Were it not for my mom's persistence and tenacity I might have not.I owe alot to my mom for being there for me. She'll probably never know how grateful I am for everything. I would have been lost without her. People talk about how great the high is, no one ever tells you that it bleeds your soul dry and leaves nothing but a rotting shell of what you used to be. I could see it, feel it, but I couldnt seem to stop it. Without my mom's strength I'd probably be dead by now. I wanted to die, I tried to kill myself, twice, but to no avail. God must want me for a reason, I only wish I had the wisdom to see what for. Meanwhile, back at the ranch......my boyfriend has been really supportive, seeing as how he wanted me off drugs to. Unfortunately he seems to lack the ability, or the will to make me happy. I love him God knows I do, but he's never around he seems to have time and energy for everyone else and then there's nothing left over for me. He wants me to be his wife, but he doesnt seem to know how to be a husband and refuses to allow me to guide him in matters I know more about. I've thought about leaving, Hell I've even tried, but this part of me refuses to let go. I never have been much of a quitter, guess im not going to change now. As long as he holds my heart I'll be with him for better or worse. No matter how much he yells, or ignores me. I cant help myself. I never could do things the easy way (sigh). When we're together it's like magic, and yet I still feel lonely all the time. I try to talk to him, but he gets so unreasonable. He cant seem to have a civil discussion. Everyday I pray for guidance and yet that still small voice remains silent. Perhaps Im not listening hard enough, or more likely I dont want to hear what it has to say because it's not what I want to hear. I cant change the world only myself, and I think that may be my hardest lesson of all.
Sadness fills my heart at every turn, will I ever regain what I have lost?

You Say Psycho Like It's a Bad Thing

Well, long time no blog, right? My internet is down and my phone wont load up blogger. So here I am at the public library, wishing for a modicum of privacy and so not getting it. My husband still hates me, well does and doesnt. It just depends on what time of day it is. I left my ' Im so in love with you boyfriend' jackass that he is. Yeah, ok so I lied a bit. He was a total wanker. Im dating his brother now, trust me HUGE improvement. My parents still arent happy, probably never will be. They're old what can I say. Im just trying to live my life and be happy. It would be easier if I had my own apartment instead of living with my boyfriend and his mom (sigh). Still off my rocker I am, some things never change. no quotes today since Im not at home and have no access to my files.

Mockery of Me

Well, its been awhile, all hell has broken loose. In a matter of six short weeks I've totally destroyed my life and my husbands, good man that he is. I asked for a divorce, which obviously is a big deal to him that I want to leave, but that isnt the worst of it. I cleaned out the bank account (3 times), got on dope and now Im hiding to keep from getting shot. Been busy I have. The whole world hates me right now and I cant blame them, Ive been incredibly stupid. I did meet someone who Im so in love with I cant see straight. Of course, that kills my poor husband I dont know how he gets out of bed in the morning. I wouldnt have the strength if it was me. I wish I could turn back time, erase the last few weeks, but I cant. Now I can only live with what I've done.

Believe it can be done. When you believe something can be done, really believe, your mind will find the ways to do it. Believing a solution paves the way to solution.- Dr. David Schwartz

The Secret LIfe Of.................

Here I am, once again at 4am, not sleepin, thinkin too much. My brain should have exploded years ago from all the extra work. For no reason that I can explain, or dont care to explain,Ive been feeling really depressed lately. All the pills in the world arent a cure all for unrelenting unhappiness. It seems like Ive been regretting the entirety of my life way to much lately. To many lonely hours spent thinking about the should haves, and not enough of.........well I dont know what. To bad life is like microsoft word, just undo what you dont like. Is there anything terribly wrong with my life? No. It's more of a I should of done it this way kind of thing. Wish I had someone to talk to, I feel the need to dump really bad.

If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough

Monkeys On My Back

Ever had one of those weeks when you wonder what might have been? I'm having one. Sometimes I think about my life and all the things Ive done and, what it would be like if I had made different choices. occassionally it happens when you meet someone really cool, or reap the consequences of a bad decision. More often than not, it just happens from time to time. Like when I think about people I have left behind, if it was right. I suppose it was if I'm not sorry, but every now and again, I regret 'all' the choices I have made. Some because it was the best of a bad lot, or me being dumb, mostly because I wasnt strong enough to make the wiser choice. All the could haves plague me. I know I'm not the only person that feels this way but, of course no one else admits to it.
"The man who views the world at 50 the same wayhe did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."-- Mohammed Ali

Another Day Has Come And Gone Away

Sometimes life seems so surreal to me. I had surgeryon my foot last Thursday and have pretty much been house bound since. I feel like Ive lost a whole week of my life; all the things I could have, should have been doing, and now all week less to do them in. I despise wasting my time, and I'm pretty sure that's what I'm doing.Life is to short for all the things I want to do, people I want to love, places I want to go, friends I want to make. being in the house makes me all wonky, all crazy in the head. Like what if I died tomorrow and the last thing I did was play a video game. What a waste that would be!!! Life is like an hourglass glued to the table. Somedays I wish I could do it all over again, not so much because I would change things, but to just be able to live all that life again. I gotta get out of this house!!!!!!!
"Not how long, but how well you have lived is the main thing. "Author: Seneca

Devil With The Blue Suit On

Any of you who have read my blog, know that I did NOT vote for Bush. I dont agree with him and I dont like him, I think he's a warmonger. Recently I watched Farenheit 9/11, and now I must say, I am appalled by our President elects behavior. Ive always thought the war on Iraq a bad distraction from the real terrorist, (Bin Laden), but after watching that show I know I'm not the only one. Furthermore all this nonsense with Real Id and Homeland Security's Director, I feel like I'm living in Nazi Germany. It makes me sad to think our President started a war with Iraq, just to take the attention off his illegal dealings and trickery.

"Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution?Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore."-- Jay Leno

American Psycho

I had surgery on my foot yesterday. This will be the fourth time in a little over a year. Needless to say I'm just a little bent over it. My mom was supposed to take me in for the surgery and help me out at home in the afternoon. Instead, she calls me the night before and says she made a lunch date with her sister for noon. I had previously suggested to her to make it at one so she wouldnt be late, but I was annoyed b.s. ensued and I finalyy said my husband would take the day off work to help me. Naturally, she is mad at me for that as well. Well after my surgery, we realized that my husband would have to go get prescriptions filled for me, no big deal right? I asked my mom to come out in case I had any trouble, but she couldnt, once again due to her sister. Now to be fair her sister does live out of town, but after sitting at my house for three hours unable to even get myself a drink I wasnt feeling very fair, nope, not fair at all!!! So I went all mad dog and called my mom screechin and howlin like a banshee. Who would of thought, it didnt go over well. So now my mom isnt speaking to me(duh), not talking to my best friend, AND I have the nagging suspicion that my aunts arent speaking to me either. My mom tells them everything, I'm still waiting for my dad to call and put the smackdown. (sigh) I think mebbe I've lost my mind.
"Be nice. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME."

Babies, LIes, And Videotape

Ive spoken about my best friend "Cody" before on several occassions. Well today the end of an era finally came.Let me explain. For over a year now the three of us (me , my husband and her) have been talking about finding a church. We werent sure what kind of church, but we were all pretty adamant we go together. Well, about a month ago my husband and I finally found 'The Church', the one suited to us and my friend, or so I thought. I rushed to tell Cody the good news, we had a church, a good one. She acted suitably excited and I asked when she was going to go. Cody missed her first service because her papaw died, which is perfectly understandable. So, we made plans for us and her, and her four kids to go today, Mothers Day. It seemed like everything was right. Then last night her boyfriend,(married boyfriend), says that THEY are going to church somewhere else, after she had made this commitment to me for church and lunch. Naturally I was angry, since I thought I was being thrown over for her slightly less than useless boyfriend. I came home, stewed, and went back to have it out with her. Now just for the record, I normally dont like fighting, but I felt this slight warranted some words. So I go back. She tells me she threw him out, because she knew how bad he hurt my feelings and that we were still going to church together. It seemed truthful enough. I told her I would be over at 9( early yes, but she's always late). I get to her house at 9 am the babies are in pj's eating breakfast. She comes thundering down the stairs sleepy eyed, in her jammies, and says to me "Dont look at me like that I just woke up". Now Id like to mention that her boyfriend had made it back at this point, and they had SO obviously spent the night 'Making Up' that she had over slept, breaking her promise to me. I cant live this way, its to hurtful and to harmful, but what will I do without the only friend Ive known for 10 years, I hope the kids do allright without me.

Piglet sidled up behind Pooh.'Pooh,' he whispered.'Yes, piglet?''Nothing,' said Piglet,taking Pooh's paw.'I just wanted to be sure of you

Pete and Repete Were in a Boat.............

My husband saw this email on a website today and I thought it should be posted here.

In light of the many perversions and jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding the attacks on Sept. 11).
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.
And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.
The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they WILL think of you for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in!!
"Become the change you want to see" --Oprah Winfrey
"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are."
-- Dale Carnegie

Quietus To The Uncivilized Masses

All in all I've emailed Old Navy four times, and they have repeatedly told me that they cannot help. Go in your local store and ask about the rutabaga there(see previous entries). I think I'm angry with Old Navy right now, I mean they dont even know what they're selling for cryin out loud!!!!! I could use this entry as a gripe session, God knows I have plenty to complain about(Like how Sprint wont give me a phone), but there doesnt seem to be much point, does there? It wont change anything. I'm trying to have patience, and of course, failing miserably. Good news though, my husband and I found this great new church. We.......well I love it, it's the first time I have ever gone to a church and when the pastor speaks or we pray, I can feel God. I mean really feel it. Every Sunday I walk out of church and I feel............good. I was driving down Bechtle Ave. today on my way home from Walmart, and I see this poor kid laying in the road. He had been hit by a car!!! I wanted to stop and help but, there where so many people already helping I figured I'd just be in the way. 15 minutes later, I'm across town, almost home, I look in the car next to me and what is the guy doing!!! You guessed it, rolling a big fatty. I mean what's this world coming to, rolling a joint in broad daylight!!!!!!!!!! Some days its almost enough to make me lose hope, mebbe she'll come back tomorrow.
"Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's dark."
-- Zen saying

The Amazing Rutabaga Strikes Again!!

I emailed Old Navy. Amazingly enough, they responded in two days! (Who woulda thunk it). Anyhoo, they tell me they cant open the picture I sent them of my.whatever it is, but if I send in a product code they would be more than happy to help, Or I could go into my local store and receive assistance there. As if any one in the store knew what the heck it was when I bought it. Naturally there is no tag on the umm rutabaga in question so I cant send in a product code. I guess I'm just doomed to ignorance forever. I even checked their online store, apparently they dont sell rutabagas or any other keychain/vegetable online. So now I'm back to where I started with the great debate.Mebbe I'll go see The Oracle at Delphi......she'd know.
"Without seeking, truth cannot be known at all.It can neither be declared from pulpits,nor set down in articles, nor in any wise preparedand sold in packages ready for use.Truth must be ground for every man by itself out of it such,with such help as he can get, indeed,but not without stern labor of his own."-- John Ruskin

A Rutabaga In Disguise

Well, I still havent figured out what my new keychain is. (sigh) The latest suggestion is an orange. For those of you just tuning in see my previous entry for all relevant info. I'm going to try emailing Old Navy tonight. Hopefully, I will get a response, if I dont I'm going to send them a gazillion emails, just like they do me!!! Also I'd like to mention that the Pope dying just sucks. When I was a kid, and the first pope of my life time passed on I was terribly confused. I wondered how the pope could die and what were all the Catholics going to do now. No one bothered explaining to me that they could elect a new pope. I guess I just thought the pope was pope forever.

"Not how long, but how well you have lived is the main thing." Author: Seneca

It's a Bird. No it's a Plane...No it's a....Carrot?

Well it's a nice smooshy day here. I thought it would be an ucky day, but it's warmer than expected and I like the smell that comes with smooshy days. Smooshy is a good word. The thing that has really been on my mind though, is my new keychain. I bought it Old Navy last week and since then a heated debate has ensued. No one knows what it is!!!!! Here is a picture . There votes over what it are as follows: 1. A Round Carrot 2. A Peach 3. A Tomato 4. A Pumpkin. I know it sounds crazy but, I'm dying to know what this thing is. Please feel free to send in votes or new ideas, maybe I'll email Old Navy and see what they say it's supposed to be. Me, I still think it's a round carrot.
"If you want to know the character of a man, find out what his cat thinks of him."- Anonymous

Whoop There It Is.

Long time no.........hmmm whatever. I've been feeling terribly unappreciated lately. I dont know if I just have a corn cob wedge or what, but it feels like everyone is being a meanie these days. I spose I could be over reacting, asking God to smite them is probably a little much, soI'll just settle for some some limping!!! Does it feel like the whole world has gone crazy to you? It sure looks that way to me. I found out just recently an old friend from college sent her kids to live with her mom.... drum roll please......... because her boyfriend doesnt like her kids. That's right you heard it, for her boyfriend. My best friend is dating a married man with 5, yes, 5 kids. Of course, he still hasnt gotten a divorce. Who am I kidding he hasnt even moved out of his old house. Tell me the whole world aint crazy. I'll prove it is.
"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"
-- Unknown

Doin the Neutron Dance

Good Morning!!!! I can hardly ever say that, because I'm usually asleep this time of day. Yes, Yes I lead a boring life, but I must say I'm thankful for that. Instead of being one of those schmucks that takes everything for granted I try to appreciate the good things in my life. For example this fabulous day, its warm and breezy. It's not at all blustery as Winnie the Pooh might say. I love Pooh!! No time for long good byes today, I have places to go and people to see. Tune in next time for..............you'll just hafta wait!!
"I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation."-- William Somerset Maugham

And Time Gooooes By.........

Here I am, awake again in the middle of the night. Plagued as always by insomnia. Unlike some I'm not one to lay in bed all night tossing and turning, if I'm not going to sleep, I might as well use the time to do something constructive. Such as, watching a parade of never-ending, pointless movies, that have no substance, plot, or pretty much anything of value in them. My husband complains because I stay up all night, as if I dont 'want' to sleep. Although I suppose six degrees of Kevin Bacon wouldnt be much of a stretch for me these days. I have to say though, being an incurable insomniac has given me a great appreciation for the night time and its beauty. Everything is blurred at night, the stars and the moon much more forgiving than the sun. All the ugly cement is softened, and it doesnt seem........quite so bad. I especially love summer nights, cool breeze, driving to nowhere, or to anywhere, just me and my radio, cruisin.

"The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express." Francis Bacon

Moral Dilemna

I have a friend, who has a dog. (Watch out Stephen King that opening lines knocks 'em dead!). Anyhoo, my friend has four kids, who love the dog. Problem is, they're all mean to it. That includes said friend. They kick it, throw it, forget to feed it, leave it out for God only knows how long without water etc. etc. I have a key to said friends house and have debated going in, taking said dog and all acoutrements. The question is, How wrong would that be? I've complained to them, that they dont treat puppy right and have been ignored. Would it be morally wrong to confiscate puppy, and take her somewhere(here), where she would be properly treated? (sigh) I just dont know, but I cant stand the way they treat her. Perhaps, God will give me a vision...........
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."-- Ernest Miller Hemingway

Catching Up

Well, its been awhile. To long probably, but here I am once again. For all of you geeks out there, the episode of CSI that Will Wheaton was in rocked. That was probably the best potrayl of a homeless, crazed addict I've ever seen, ( except in real life of course). Life goes ever onward, just last week, I had something incredibly important to say, but no time to write. It just goes to show how quickly things slip thru our fingers. Obviously if it was that important I wouldnt have forgotten, amazing how much things change in as little as a week. I would like to give a shout out to my good friend Dan, who is stationed in Fallujah. May God keep you safe and bring you home to your family and friends soon!!!!!!!
"You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.Don't ever count on having both at once."-- Robert A. Heinlein

Live Like You WANT To Live!!

Wellness Tips we can learn from a Dog~Author unknown. "Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.Let the experience of fresh air in your face be pure ecstasy. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. When it's in your best interests, practice obedience. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Be loyal.Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. If you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing, run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk."

As the Fishbowl Turns

Life is always the same. I'm not sure why it took me so long to notice, I guess I'm just a slow learner. The same things happen everyday, just in a different place, with different people(sometimes). Maybe, this is just an elaborate way of saying I'm bored. Bored, with the daily grind, wanting to do, to be something different, better than what I am. No one seems to have any good advice for me, even though, everyone is always asking me for some. Of course there's always the possibility that the people I know are just wiser than me and show it by keeping their mouths shut. Maybe, I'm just the fool; or perhaps I'm simply deaf to what they're saying. It's more likely that I dont need advice. I'm just to afraid to step out my own front door. I suppose I could be on the edge of some great epiphany, I'll just wake up one morning and everything will make sense.........
"Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart give yourself to it."
-- Buddha

For Baby

ROOM IN YOUR HEART
"Sorrow fills a barren space;you close your eyes and see my faceand think of times I made you laugh,the love we shared, the bond we had, the special way I needed you - the friendship shared by just we two.
The day's too quiet, the world seems older,the wind blows now a little colder.You gaze into the empty airand look for me, but I'm not there - I'm in heaven and I watch you,and I see the world around you too.
I see little souls wearing fur,souls who bark and souls who purrborn unwanted and unloved - I see all this and more above - I watch them suffer, I see them cry,I see them lost, I watch them die.I see unwanted thousands born - and when they die, nobody mourns.
These little souls wearing fur (Some who bark and some who purr) are castaways who - unlike me - will never know love or security. A few short months they starve and roam, Or caged in shelters - nobody takes home.They're special too (furballs of pleasure),filled with love and each one, a treasure.
My pain and suffering came to an end, so don't cry for me, my person, my friend.But think of the living -those souls with fur (some who bark and some who purr) - And though our bond can't be broken apart, make room for another in your home and your heart. "
--- Caro Schubert-James

Reality Bites

When I was about 15 my dog got run over by a car and she passed away. It really sucked, (obviously), but I couldnt bear not to have a puppy in the house; so we went out the very same day and got another dog. We named her Baby. Problem was I never really bonded with her, due to the tragic circumstances under which she was acquired. So when I got married and moved out I left Baby with my mom and dad because they loved her so much. Dont get me wrong I loved the dog and she was 'mine' in the possession sense of the word, but she had bonded with my parents in a way we hadnt. Over the years going over to my parents I played with Baby and gave her treats, I loved she was part of the family. Well Baby got older, the way everything does, and on Valentines day she had to be put to sleep. She had a tumor the size of a grapefruit in her abdomen. Honestly, I dont know how there was room for anything else. She was so terribly sick and 14 years old, it seemed cruel to make her suffer thru surgeries that probably would have accomplished causing her more pain. My dad even cried, which of course, did me in since he's tough as nails, and never cries over anything. After my grandmas passing three days before Christmas, it's all just to much. I'm so depressed I cant hardly form a thought. I wonder from room to room, desperately looking for something to do. As soon as I find anything I immediately put it down and look for something else. Nothing seems to hold my attention. The hurts so deep I cant even cry. I just keep saying, 'why are you testing me God, what am I supposed to learn from this?', but if God's talking, I cant hear him. There is no "Why me God" cause I know why.....this is real life and sometimes real life sucks. It happens to everyone, but so many things in so little time, I figure, there must be a reason. I wish I could understand Gods plan for me.

"I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me seemed insufficient for the day."-- William Adams

Sense and Nonsense

Well I finally heard from my friend Cody. She called me to say she was moving. I was extremely happy for her. She lived in a sardine can (a.k.a. trailer), and now she'll be living or should I say is living in a four bedroom house. Naturally she asked me to help her move. I reluctantly agreed. Of course, I was right to be reluctant. She spent 90% of her time on the phone with one person or another. Mostly, her useless boyfriend, whom she was fighting with, and now has moved in with her. After I moved her in, ( man I'm such a sucker), she has gone back to ignoring me. wOOt!!!! Big surprise there. She tells me, to my face, (which I'm grateful for), that I'm such an obnoxious B**ch that she doesnt call me when things are bad cause I'll give her a hard time. Translation: She knows she is making bad decisions and doesnt want to hear the truth from people that care about her. I feel lost, I pray and ask God what I should do, but that all important small voice is silent these days.........................
"No one can solve problems for someone whose problem is that they don't want problems solved."
-- Richard Bach

The Dark Side

I've been a diabetic for nearly 27 years now. Since I've had diabetes for so long, it's hard to control my blood sugars. So last year I went on an insulin pump. Those medically inclined know what I'm talking about.........Anyway, this thing was supposed to be SO great, but no one bothered to mention the first month would be hell. No sleep blood sugars all over the place, it was a nightmare. Finally, I got eveything under better control, and I say I because my doctor didnt do jack but prescribe the thing. I felt better no more shots, it rocked!!! I did however decide to switch doctors since my old one was so complacent and non-existent during all this troubles I had. My new doc, while very nice, has started changing things around and no my blood sugar is out of control, 'again'. He seems to know what he's talking about(believe me I'd know if he didnt), so I'm trying to be patient, but I feel rotten. I feel like I've been hit by a mack truck, then drug thru a field of corn by my hair, thrown down a well and left for a week, and to top it all off my family is starting to give me a hard time about what I eat. I know they love me, but I have to eat eventually. I mean I cant go for days without food just because my sugar is high, and a girls gotta have a little chocolate now and then. It just aggravates me when they give me grief, like I havent been doing this for 27 years and I dont have a clue.....
"I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose." - National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation, Randy Quaid

This 'N' That

I'd like to start by saying, that I'm extremely pleased to hear that Wil Wheaton's cat is doing better (relatively speaking), looks like he got the mojo!!!!! So Will if ya read this, Yeah!!! Anyhoo, on to other topics. I got good news today, I'm going to be getting Social Security. Now I know what you're thinking, she couldnt possibly be old enough for that; well I'm not. I am however sick enough to get it. I'm a diabetic and have a myriad of serious health problems, and no I dont feel badfor getting it, even with the current problems with the system. Why? You say. I cant begin to tell you how many people I've known that have gotten welfare for years, and had no business being on it. That's why I dont feel guilty, I am sick, not some sick wannabe. Almost two weeks now and still no word from my ' best friend', I've called several times once someone picked up the phone and hung it right back up. It's all on her now, I've paid my dues.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. – Herm Albright
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
-- Albert Einstein

Makin the Grade

I have a best friend, for now will call her Cody. I met her about ten years ago when she was pregnant with her first child. She asked me if I would be her best friend and I said yes, we've been together ever since. Have you ever met someone and just looking at them for a split second, you realize you have to know that person better? Now don't get me wrong it wasn't all love at first site it was more like hey this is a kindred spirit kinda thing, all Anne of Green Gables and what not. She understood me, which is saying alot most people don't get me at all, even when they try to. I dont think I'm all that complicated, but of course my opinion is somewhat biased. Anyhoo the years rolled by and everything was awesome I'd never felt so in touch with anyone like that before, then she met and married a guy, that's where it all went bad. He was a crack addict woohoo!!! Dont we know how to pick 'em. She was with him for four years . She finally go away from him, now scarred and with four kids to raise on her own. Everything seemed like it was back on track and we were closer than ever, then the dating started. For the last two years she's had a new boyfriend ever 3-6 months (sigh). I dont begrudge her dating it's not that I'm jealous of her time, although I think it's bad for the kids( ya know the whole tilt-a-whirl thing). The problem is she just drops out of my life completely to spend time with the new love of her life, and yes according to her she's been in love with everyone of the meatbags. Then when they break-up, as they inevitably do she reappears and wedges herself up my ass without a howdy, sorry I've been gone, I don't even warrant an explanation these days. I call she blows me off, for weeks at a time and then when she needs me I'm just supposed to 'be there'. I may not be a perfect friend, but I think I deserve a little more than that after all these years. Some small part of me says I should just let go, yet I never seem able to. Perhaps, it's just another one of those endless cycles and I've somehow allowed myself to become a victim.
"I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar." Robert Brault

How Many Licks Does It Take...............

I read an article on the Lifetime network site today about insurance companies and mastectomies. When a women has a mastectomy the send her home in less than 24 hours. This is AFTER they cut off a body part, not to be crude, but it's the truth. Lifetime currently is getting signatures for a petition to send to the government, in order to get them involved and force insurance companies to standardize a minimum 48 hour stay after a mastectomy. You to can sign this petition at lifetimetv.com, just type in petition in the search box. Anyone readin my blog today, do this for your mom, your grandma, your aunt, your cousin, your niece, but most importantly, DO IT FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!
Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
-- Unknown

Essence of Me

I have to admit here, I voted for Bush his first term. Honestly, I only voted for him because I thought Al Gore was a putz. When election time rolled around this year I had intended to vote for Bush again, but the I realized I didnt agree with a single thing he had to say. I'm a democrat thru and thru. I was raised in a Pentecostal church and I suppose it never occured to me ( 'til recently), that I had just been mimicking my parents all these years. All this time I havent been going to church, because I think organized religion is a disgrace to God and his teaching. Priests molesting altar boys, people that talk about you behind your back, doing things for social acceptance, well I might as well just go back to high school...or a bar if thats what I wanted. I know now that I was voting republican and joining the masses who believe in every thing I dont. Who knew it would take me so long to wake up and smell the doo doo!!

"To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest." Author: Mahatma Gandhi

Call to all Democrats!

This is beautiful!! I was perusing Wil Wheaton's blog today at www.wilwheaton.net (for those interested). Good 'ol Wil has a link on his site that lets you send a message to President Bush and you can also make a donation to the democratic party. Now, for all you democrats out there, like me, who think the the prez elect is a f**kbag, this is the place to visit. Let's make our voices heard!! After all it will be us and our children paying for his mistakes long after he's gone. I say we send a strong message, NO MORE. No more war, no more crap, no more discrimination, no more no bid contracts with Halliburton, NO MORE!

"War is a poor chisel to carve out tomorrow. "Author: Martin Luther King, Jr.

Response to Baghdad Burning

Today I read the blog Baghdad Burning, at least enough to feel it warranted comment. First Id like to say as an American citizen, that I am truly sorry for all the death this has caused, on both sides. I did not vote for Bush> I know people who did and people who didnt. All the people that didnt vote for Bush are the ones that knew what he was about and didnt agree. After the events of 9-11 our country was scared and angry, we wanted someone to pay for the lives lost preferably Osama Bin Laden who was believed to be the leader of the organisation that attacked us. When Bush couldnt give the american people Bin Laden, he decided to give us Sadam Hussein. While I tend to agree that Hussein was a schlump, I am certain things could have been done a better way, without the loss of so many lives. There is no excuse for the actions taken against innocent people, war is never a good response in my opinion. Now, dont get me wrong Im not some freak that thinks we shouldnt defend ourselves, I have found from personal experience that violence never solves a problem, it only makes it bigger. Once again to the people of Iraq who have lost loved ones in this war, I extend my sympathy, truly you have been wronged.

Emily Dickinson "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all".

Tsunami Relief

Well it's not like the tsunami is any big secret, and I have to say I'm thrilled to see everyone pulling together to help out. To many people ignore what's going on around them, interested in only helping themselves. This disaster is a wake up call. It shows that by working together we can accomplish much. I am happy to see all the relief aid thats being sent over, even famous names such as, Sandra Bullock are pitching in to help. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to find out the world isnt quite as self-centered as I thought it was!!

Shakespeare "How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world".

Family

My grandma passed away three days before Christmas. Since, I dedicated this blog to her, I thought it fitting that I say a few essentials things about her. My grandma was a very quiet, reserved kind of person, as a child I actually thought she didn't like me. I found out in later years, that was just her way. She never complained when she was sick, broke, tired, (usually of screaming children Im sure), she just accepted all. Now, in her passing, I realize how much she truly loved us. I can only hope I'm half the woman she was someday. My Mom seems to be taking this the hardest of anyone, maybe it's because she's the baby, or just that I know her better than other members of my family and the grief is more clearly read. I wish there was something I could say to comfort her, but there isn't. Although, whether I'm dealing with my grief seems cloudy in my mind. It's entirely possible I'm in denial and sometime in the near future it will hit me like a mack truck, who knows. I surely don't, but I do know my grandma was much loved, and will be sorely missed.

Helen Keller "It is for us to pray not for tasks equal to our powers, but for powers equal to our tasks."

Christmas Gifts

My best friend got me a Polar Bear sno cone machine for Christmas this year!!! I know it sounds crazy for a person my age to want that, but Ive been waiting for it for years. I've always loved sno cones, dont know why, it's just one of those things. Well, several years ago my friend got me one for Christmas, only problem was, I never got it. Her kids swiped it and of course with them being fairly young what could I say? I didnt begrudge them the sno cone maker I wouldnt be much of an auntie if I did. This time around my friend got it together and the machine made it to me, now I can have sno cones whenever I want, instead of waiting 'til we go to the zoo in the summer. YEAH!!!!

Pets!

I have four cats. Yeah, I know, seems like alot, but they keep me company when Im home alone. I know alot of people that have cats or dogs, and they pet them, feed them and then just send 'em outside and when they get hit by a car, they're like well it was just a dog, I can get another. I must say I cant begin to fathom that sort of attitude, why bother having a pet if it doesnt mean anything to you? My pets are just like my close friends, extended members of the family. I would grieve for them the same way I would anyone else. I suppose alot of people out there would say that was ignorant, of course those are the people that let their animals run around outside close to a busy road.

Things 'N' Things

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart. I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
Helen Keller. I put these quotes in today because they have special meaning; if a blind and deaf woman can learn to read and write, is there really anything we cannot do? Sometimes life gets me down, it happens to everyone at some point or other, but then I remember Helen Keller and the amazing things she accomplished, far beyond anything I can imagine. That is the moment I remember, there are many people in the world much worse off than me. Rather than feeling sorry for myself I should be extending a hand, by improving the quality of life for another person, there can be no doubt that it will improve the quality of mine.

Controversy

I've decided I might as well just get this one out of the way. The Presidential Election!!! Yep that's right gonna tackle the big mamma jamma, gotta start things proper. First off I'd just like to say that our fabulous president elect is a stinky poo poo head. Now, don't get me wrong, Bush isnt the bad guy or anything, but come on what's this Halliburton no bid contract nonsense? We send poor 'ol Martha Stewart off to jail for a bit O' insider trading, but it's ok for the prez to engage in dishonest business practices? Ok, ok you got me, I voted for Kerry, and why should'nt I? I wan't my husband to get a better job, preferably without moving to India. Yeah ok so maybe Bush isnt the one who initiated this whole send our jobs overseas dookie, but from where Im sitting, I dont see him doing anything to stop it either. Of course, we cant forget the whole gay marriage issue. Call me anti-nazi, anti-segragation, call me what you will, but I see no difference. It's all just a form of predjudice and hatred. Who are we to judge? I will concede that marriage is a religious ideal, but civil unions shouldnt just get tossed out of the window. When our forefathers wrote up the Bill of Rights Im pretty sure it never said" to the pursuit of happiness", unless your gay. One consoling thought to this is that Bush cant run again, I can only hope that we arent so far in debt by then that we'll have to be sold off as slaves to pay for our governments spending!!!!

Afterthought

I have left my blog open for comments, and I just wanted to say to all you commenters out there Please Be Nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Any and all opinions expressed in my blog are just that, opinions. While I will appreciate any and all feedback, things are only open for DEBATE not arguement. Please keep that in mind when responding. Thanx

A New Year

Well, this isn't my first blog, it's my second. Somewhere along the line, I forgot my user name and password to my other blog. So, since it's a new year I decided it was time for a new start. The last year has been really rough around here. I should have known when my puppy died things were going to get ugly, but like they always say hindsight is 20/20. I suppose between cars breaking down, being broke, my grams passing away, and being sick myself, I should just be happy to start fresh. At the same time, I've learned alot in the last year, about my family, my friends, and most of all myself. I guess that's why I titled my blog life without chocolate, as if I could imagine such a thing, (cringe); what I finally realized there are some things you can do without, and some things you can't. What is there you can't live without you say? Many things, good husbands, that never get mad, no matter how annoying you are, grandmas that say how cute it is when you shave your head, while the rest of your family gapes open mouthed in horror, warm fuzzy kitties to cuddle when you're sick, best friends who drop everything at a moments noticeand pay $90 for babysitting to come to you grandma's funeral, and chocolate to make you happy. My new years resolution is to have more patience, patience with all the people I love that usually drive me crazy, but whom I cant live without. Besides, why make some crazy new years resolution like, stop smoking or lose weight, it never works so why bother. I just want to be a better person, like my grandma. Grandma this blog is for you, I know you and grandpa are watching me up in heaven and I just want to make you proud, and for all the people reading this, whatever you believe in, Allah, Krishna, Buddha, God, whatever, may all your prayers be answered this new year!