Another One Bites The Dust

Well, its been awhile, Im sure all of my faithful readers (ha ha) have missed me terribly. I'll have my internet back soon and so will be posting regularly. I miss writing, alot really. I do have a good excuse I suppose, since I've been thru hell and back since the last time I wrote. I've had a monkey or more apropos a demon on my back. Heroin. Yeah you read me right. Getting clean was hard, facing my family......much harder. I cant remember ever feeling so ashamed. I could barely look my parents in the eye. I know how much it hurt them,but sadly this is life and it has no rewind button, God knows some days I wish it did. All my life I've been the anti-drug queen so needless to say my friends and family were more than shocked when they found out I was a drug addict. What no one else knew my little secret was that 'I Knew' I had an addictive personality and that if I went over I might never come back. Hell, I almost didnt. Were it not for my mom's persistence and tenacity I might have not.I owe alot to my mom for being there for me. She'll probably never know how grateful I am for everything. I would have been lost without her. People talk about how great the high is, no one ever tells you that it bleeds your soul dry and leaves nothing but a rotting shell of what you used to be. I could see it, feel it, but I couldnt seem to stop it. Without my mom's strength I'd probably be dead by now. I wanted to die, I tried to kill myself, twice, but to no avail. God must want me for a reason, I only wish I had the wisdom to see what for. Meanwhile, back at the ranch......my boyfriend has been really supportive, seeing as how he wanted me off drugs to. Unfortunately he seems to lack the ability, or the will to make me happy. I love him God knows I do, but he's never around he seems to have time and energy for everyone else and then there's nothing left over for me. He wants me to be his wife, but he doesnt seem to know how to be a husband and refuses to allow me to guide him in matters I know more about. I've thought about leaving, Hell I've even tried, but this part of me refuses to let go. I never have been much of a quitter, guess im not going to change now. As long as he holds my heart I'll be with him for better or worse. No matter how much he yells, or ignores me. I cant help myself. I never could do things the easy way (sigh). When we're together it's like magic, and yet I still feel lonely all the time. I try to talk to him, but he gets so unreasonable. He cant seem to have a civil discussion. Everyday I pray for guidance and yet that still small voice remains silent. Perhaps Im not listening hard enough, or more likely I dont want to hear what it has to say because it's not what I want to hear. I cant change the world only myself, and I think that may be my hardest lesson of all.
Sadness fills my heart at every turn, will I ever regain what I have lost?

You Say Psycho Like It's a Bad Thing

Well, long time no blog, right? My internet is down and my phone wont load up blogger. So here I am at the public library, wishing for a modicum of privacy and so not getting it. My husband still hates me, well does and doesnt. It just depends on what time of day it is. I left my ' Im so in love with you boyfriend' jackass that he is. Yeah, ok so I lied a bit. He was a total wanker. Im dating his brother now, trust me HUGE improvement. My parents still arent happy, probably never will be. They're old what can I say. Im just trying to live my life and be happy. It would be easier if I had my own apartment instead of living with my boyfriend and his mom (sigh). Still off my rocker I am, some things never change. no quotes today since Im not at home and have no access to my files.

Mockery of Me

Well, its been awhile, all hell has broken loose. In a matter of six short weeks I've totally destroyed my life and my husbands, good man that he is. I asked for a divorce, which obviously is a big deal to him that I want to leave, but that isnt the worst of it. I cleaned out the bank account (3 times), got on dope and now Im hiding to keep from getting shot. Been busy I have. The whole world hates me right now and I cant blame them, Ive been incredibly stupid. I did meet someone who Im so in love with I cant see straight. Of course, that kills my poor husband I dont know how he gets out of bed in the morning. I wouldnt have the strength if it was me. I wish I could turn back time, erase the last few weeks, but I cant. Now I can only live with what I've done.

Believe it can be done. When you believe something can be done, really believe, your mind will find the ways to do it. Believing a solution paves the way to solution.- Dr. David Schwartz

The Secret LIfe Of.................

Here I am, once again at 4am, not sleepin, thinkin too much. My brain should have exploded years ago from all the extra work. For no reason that I can explain, or dont care to explain,Ive been feeling really depressed lately. All the pills in the world arent a cure all for unrelenting unhappiness. It seems like Ive been regretting the entirety of my life way to much lately. To many lonely hours spent thinking about the should haves, and not enough of.........well I dont know what. To bad life is like microsoft word, just undo what you dont like. Is there anything terribly wrong with my life? No. It's more of a I should of done it this way kind of thing. Wish I had someone to talk to, I feel the need to dump really bad.

If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough

Monkeys On My Back

Ever had one of those weeks when you wonder what might have been? I'm having one. Sometimes I think about my life and all the things Ive done and, what it would be like if I had made different choices. occassionally it happens when you meet someone really cool, or reap the consequences of a bad decision. More often than not, it just happens from time to time. Like when I think about people I have left behind, if it was right. I suppose it was if I'm not sorry, but every now and again, I regret 'all' the choices I have made. Some because it was the best of a bad lot, or me being dumb, mostly because I wasnt strong enough to make the wiser choice. All the could haves plague me. I know I'm not the only person that feels this way but, of course no one else admits to it.
"The man who views the world at 50 the same wayhe did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."-- Mohammed Ali

Another Day Has Come And Gone Away

Sometimes life seems so surreal to me. I had surgeryon my foot last Thursday and have pretty much been house bound since. I feel like Ive lost a whole week of my life; all the things I could have, should have been doing, and now all week less to do them in. I despise wasting my time, and I'm pretty sure that's what I'm doing.Life is to short for all the things I want to do, people I want to love, places I want to go, friends I want to make. being in the house makes me all wonky, all crazy in the head. Like what if I died tomorrow and the last thing I did was play a video game. What a waste that would be!!! Life is like an hourglass glued to the table. Somedays I wish I could do it all over again, not so much because I would change things, but to just be able to live all that life again. I gotta get out of this house!!!!!!!
"Not how long, but how well you have lived is the main thing. "Author: Seneca

Devil With The Blue Suit On

Any of you who have read my blog, know that I did NOT vote for Bush. I dont agree with him and I dont like him, I think he's a warmonger. Recently I watched Farenheit 9/11, and now I must say, I am appalled by our President elects behavior. Ive always thought the war on Iraq a bad distraction from the real terrorist, (Bin Laden), but after watching that show I know I'm not the only one. Furthermore all this nonsense with Real Id and Homeland Security's Director, I feel like I'm living in Nazi Germany. It makes me sad to think our President started a war with Iraq, just to take the attention off his illegal dealings and trickery.

"Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution?Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore."-- Jay Leno

American Psycho

I had surgery on my foot yesterday. This will be the fourth time in a little over a year. Needless to say I'm just a little bent over it. My mom was supposed to take me in for the surgery and help me out at home in the afternoon. Instead, she calls me the night before and says she made a lunch date with her sister for noon. I had previously suggested to her to make it at one so she wouldnt be late, but I was annoyed b.s. ensued and I finalyy said my husband would take the day off work to help me. Naturally, she is mad at me for that as well. Well after my surgery, we realized that my husband would have to go get prescriptions filled for me, no big deal right? I asked my mom to come out in case I had any trouble, but she couldnt, once again due to her sister. Now to be fair her sister does live out of town, but after sitting at my house for three hours unable to even get myself a drink I wasnt feeling very fair, nope, not fair at all!!! So I went all mad dog and called my mom screechin and howlin like a banshee. Who would of thought, it didnt go over well. So now my mom isnt speaking to me(duh), not talking to my best friend, AND I have the nagging suspicion that my aunts arent speaking to me either. My mom tells them everything, I'm still waiting for my dad to call and put the smackdown. (sigh) I think mebbe I've lost my mind.
"Be nice. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME."

Babies, LIes, And Videotape

Ive spoken about my best friend "Cody" before on several occassions. Well today the end of an era finally came.Let me explain. For over a year now the three of us (me , my husband and her) have been talking about finding a church. We werent sure what kind of church, but we were all pretty adamant we go together. Well, about a month ago my husband and I finally found 'The Church', the one suited to us and my friend, or so I thought. I rushed to tell Cody the good news, we had a church, a good one. She acted suitably excited and I asked when she was going to go. Cody missed her first service because her papaw died, which is perfectly understandable. So, we made plans for us and her, and her four kids to go today, Mothers Day. It seemed like everything was right. Then last night her boyfriend,(married boyfriend), says that THEY are going to church somewhere else, after she had made this commitment to me for church and lunch. Naturally I was angry, since I thought I was being thrown over for her slightly less than useless boyfriend. I came home, stewed, and went back to have it out with her. Now just for the record, I normally dont like fighting, but I felt this slight warranted some words. So I go back. She tells me she threw him out, because she knew how bad he hurt my feelings and that we were still going to church together. It seemed truthful enough. I told her I would be over at 9( early yes, but she's always late). I get to her house at 9 am the babies are in pj's eating breakfast. She comes thundering down the stairs sleepy eyed, in her jammies, and says to me "Dont look at me like that I just woke up". Now Id like to mention that her boyfriend had made it back at this point, and they had SO obviously spent the night 'Making Up' that she had over slept, breaking her promise to me. I cant live this way, its to hurtful and to harmful, but what will I do without the only friend Ive known for 10 years, I hope the kids do allright without me.

Piglet sidled up behind Pooh.'Pooh,' he whispered.'Yes, piglet?''Nothing,' said Piglet,taking Pooh's paw.'I just wanted to be sure of you

Pete and Repete Were in a Boat.............

My husband saw this email on a website today and I thought it should be posted here.

In light of the many perversions and jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding the attacks on Sept. 11).
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.
And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.
The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they WILL think of you for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in!!
"Become the change you want to see" --Oprah Winfrey
"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are."
-- Dale Carnegie

Quietus To The Uncivilized Masses

All in all I've emailed Old Navy four times, and they have repeatedly told me that they cannot help. Go in your local store and ask about the rutabaga there(see previous entries). I think I'm angry with Old Navy right now, I mean they dont even know what they're selling for cryin out loud!!!!! I could use this entry as a gripe session, God knows I have plenty to complain about(Like how Sprint wont give me a phone), but there doesnt seem to be much point, does there? It wont change anything. I'm trying to have patience, and of course, failing miserably. Good news though, my husband and I found this great new church. We.......well I love it, it's the first time I have ever gone to a church and when the pastor speaks or we pray, I can feel God. I mean really feel it. Every Sunday I walk out of church and I feel............good. I was driving down Bechtle Ave. today on my way home from Walmart, and I see this poor kid laying in the road. He had been hit by a car!!! I wanted to stop and help but, there where so many people already helping I figured I'd just be in the way. 15 minutes later, I'm across town, almost home, I look in the car next to me and what is the guy doing!!! You guessed it, rolling a big fatty. I mean what's this world coming to, rolling a joint in broad daylight!!!!!!!!!! Some days its almost enough to make me lose hope, mebbe she'll come back tomorrow.
"Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's dark."
-- Zen saying

The Amazing Rutabaga Strikes Again!!

I emailed Old Navy. Amazingly enough, they responded in two days! (Who woulda thunk it). Anyhoo, they tell me they cant open the picture I sent them of my.whatever it is, but if I send in a product code they would be more than happy to help, Or I could go into my local store and receive assistance there. As if any one in the store knew what the heck it was when I bought it. Naturally there is no tag on the umm rutabaga in question so I cant send in a product code. I guess I'm just doomed to ignorance forever. I even checked their online store, apparently they dont sell rutabagas or any other keychain/vegetable online. So now I'm back to where I started with the great debate.Mebbe I'll go see The Oracle at Delphi......she'd know.
"Without seeking, truth cannot be known at all.It can neither be declared from pulpits,nor set down in articles, nor in any wise preparedand sold in packages ready for use.Truth must be ground for every man by itself out of it such,with such help as he can get, indeed,but not without stern labor of his own."-- John Ruskin

A Rutabaga In Disguise

Well, I still havent figured out what my new keychain is. (sigh) The latest suggestion is an orange. For those of you just tuning in see my previous entry for all relevant info. I'm going to try emailing Old Navy tonight. Hopefully, I will get a response, if I dont I'm going to send them a gazillion emails, just like they do me!!! Also I'd like to mention that the Pope dying just sucks. When I was a kid, and the first pope of my life time passed on I was terribly confused. I wondered how the pope could die and what were all the Catholics going to do now. No one bothered explaining to me that they could elect a new pope. I guess I just thought the pope was pope forever.

"Not how long, but how well you have lived is the main thing." Author: Seneca

It's a Bird. No it's a Plane...No it's a....Carrot?

Well it's a nice smooshy day here. I thought it would be an ucky day, but it's warmer than expected and I like the smell that comes with smooshy days. Smooshy is a good word. The thing that has really been on my mind though, is my new keychain. I bought it Old Navy last week and since then a heated debate has ensued. No one knows what it is!!!!! Here is a picture . There votes over what it are as follows: 1. A Round Carrot 2. A Peach 3. A Tomato 4. A Pumpkin. I know it sounds crazy but, I'm dying to know what this thing is. Please feel free to send in votes or new ideas, maybe I'll email Old Navy and see what they say it's supposed to be. Me, I still think it's a round carrot.
"If you want to know the character of a man, find out what his cat thinks of him."- Anonymous

Whoop There It Is.

Long time no.........hmmm whatever. I've been feeling terribly unappreciated lately. I dont know if I just have a corn cob wedge or what, but it feels like everyone is being a meanie these days. I spose I could be over reacting, asking God to smite them is probably a little much, soI'll just settle for some some limping!!! Does it feel like the whole world has gone crazy to you? It sure looks that way to me. I found out just recently an old friend from college sent her kids to live with her mom.... drum roll please......... because her boyfriend doesnt like her kids. That's right you heard it, for her boyfriend. My best friend is dating a married man with 5, yes, 5 kids. Of course, he still hasnt gotten a divorce. Who am I kidding he hasnt even moved out of his old house. Tell me the whole world aint crazy. I'll prove it is.
"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"
-- Unknown

Doin the Neutron Dance

Good Morning!!!! I can hardly ever say that, because I'm usually asleep this time of day. Yes, Yes I lead a boring life, but I must say I'm thankful for that. Instead of being one of those schmucks that takes everything for granted I try to appreciate the good things in my life. For example this fabulous day, its warm and breezy. It's not at all blustery as Winnie the Pooh might say. I love Pooh!! No time for long good byes today, I have places to go and people to see. Tune in next time for..............you'll just hafta wait!!
"I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation."-- William Somerset Maugham

And Time Gooooes By.........

Here I am, awake again in the middle of the night. Plagued as always by insomnia. Unlike some I'm not one to lay in bed all night tossing and turning, if I'm not going to sleep, I might as well use the time to do something constructive. Such as, watching a parade of never-ending, pointless movies, that have no substance, plot, or pretty much anything of value in them. My husband complains because I stay up all night, as if I dont 'want' to sleep. Although I suppose six degrees of Kevin Bacon wouldnt be much of a stretch for me these days. I have to say though, being an incurable insomniac has given me a great appreciation for the night time and its beauty. Everything is blurred at night, the stars and the moon much more forgiving than the sun. All the ugly cement is softened, and it doesnt seem........quite so bad. I especially love summer nights, cool breeze, driving to nowhere, or to anywhere, just me and my radio, cruisin.

"The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express." Francis Bacon

Moral Dilemna

I have a friend, who has a dog. (Watch out Stephen King that opening lines knocks 'em dead!). Anyhoo, my friend has four kids, who love the dog. Problem is, they're all mean to it. That includes said friend. They kick it, throw it, forget to feed it, leave it out for God only knows how long without water etc. etc. I have a key to said friends house and have debated going in, taking said dog and all acoutrements. The question is, How wrong would that be? I've complained to them, that they dont treat puppy right and have been ignored. Would it be morally wrong to confiscate puppy, and take her somewhere(here), where she would be properly treated? (sigh) I just dont know, but I cant stand the way they treat her. Perhaps, God will give me a vision...........
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."-- Ernest Miller Hemingway

Catching Up

Well, its been awhile. To long probably, but here I am once again. For all of you geeks out there, the episode of CSI that Will Wheaton was in rocked. That was probably the best potrayl of a homeless, crazed addict I've ever seen, ( except in real life of course). Life goes ever onward, just last week, I had something incredibly important to say, but no time to write. It just goes to show how quickly things slip thru our fingers. Obviously if it was that important I wouldnt have forgotten, amazing how much things change in as little as a week. I would like to give a shout out to my good friend Dan, who is stationed in Fallujah. May God keep you safe and bring you home to your family and friends soon!!!!!!!
"You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.Don't ever count on having both at once."-- Robert A. Heinlein

Live Like You WANT To Live!!

Wellness Tips we can learn from a Dog~Author unknown. "Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.Let the experience of fresh air in your face be pure ecstasy. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. When it's in your best interests, practice obedience. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Be loyal.Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. If you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing, run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk."