Im So Lonely...............

W00T!! Here I am again, same stuff, differrent day. I miss Sam like crazy. I wish he would just come to church on his own, cant do much proving if someone's makin ya do it, right? I just wont live that life anymore, I cant, it was kiling me. In the most literal sense of the word. Oh, if anyone out there sees my buddy Dan tell him Hey for me allright!!!
"The trouble with most folks isn't so much their ignorance,as knowing so many thingsthat ain't so."-- Josh Billings

Sam I Am

Here I am again at the good 'ol public library. Me and my boyfriend are finally broke up (for real). Sadly, he seems to be all I can think about, I miss hims SO much, but I know there's nothing there for us anymore. To much has happened. I will always have a special place in my heart for him, I think I might miss him forever.It's just to deppressing to write about today. Hi Dan love ya sweetcheeks!!!

I do not feel that I am the product of chance, a speck of dust in the universe, but someone who was expected, prepared, prefigured. In short, a being whom only a Creator could put here; and this idea of a creating hand refers to God. - Jean-Paul Sartre

The Eye Of The Sparrow

I recently broke up with my, ohh so fab fiancee'. Yes he is still calling and so are all his friends family and whatevers. He started out with sad cryin in me beer music and has now moved on to gospel, apparently thinking that because I go to church sending me gospel music will somehow get him further with me than his previous more secular choices. (HA HA). What would've gotten him somewhere with me was keeping his promises, and keeping his pants on. You dont cheat on the women you want to marry!!!! Not if you actually want to marry her. MEN!!! I swear if every man on the planet got together they'd still only have half a brain between em all. Sorry guys but the truth hurts. I would love nothing more than to takes Sam's calls I miss him alot, but I know nothing has changed. Maybe, if he just came to church on his own and proved to me he wanted to be different I might relent ( a little). Sigh, just dont see it happening...........I'm so lonely.
"Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love

Cheatin Side Of Town

Well, the reports are in and it has been confirmed, that YES my boyfriend is a dirty cheat. Fine, he cheated, at least be for real about it. It's not like I have no solid proof, ( which I do). I still had to tell him six times it was over, I think he might be a little simple in the head. Go figure!! Have you seen my pic? thank you very much. Foolish boy thinks he'll find better, but he's wrong. I'll find better though, I think I already have but I need time to heal, and he needs time to realize just how fabulous I am. I have a long road ahead of me, but with God, and my family, and 'real' friends I can make it. As long as they dont send me away for detox (cringe). I need to be where I feel safe and loved not 50 miles away for three months. I guess we'll see what happens, the urge to use is really strong, but so far I havent; but by the grace of God..........
"I do not feel that I am the product of chance, a speck of dust in the universe, but someone who was expected, prepared, prefigured. In short, a being whom only a Creator could put here; and this idea of a creating hand refers to God. "- Jean-Paul Sartre

If I Aint Got You Baby

Here I am, reduced once again to visiting the public library for my internet fix. I just got out of the hospital friday. I almost died for those of you that know anything about diabetes a blood sugar of 1009 is um...well.. bad. Did my boyfriend come and see me you ask? The answer would be NO as a matter of fact he left town and I havent heard from him since; (gee guess it's over huh). I would like my drivers liscense back though, I kinda need it, like to cash my check, nothing important really. Sammy will always hold a special place in my heart, we have to much history for him not to, but I think it's finally time to let go. You can only hurt so much, before you just cant hurt anymore. I will always love you Sam, be well, be happy, be loved.
"What power has love but forgiveness?In other words by its interventionwhat has been done can be undone.What good is it otherwise?" - William Carlos Williams, "Pictures from Brueghel", 1962

Strangers In The Night

Is there a life more lonely than the life where the one you love is never there for you? Better yet, the one you know you should love and dont is always there for you. In the grand scheme life is most disagreeable. I find myself wondering how I made it to thirty without learning a damn thing? Well, maybe that's not fair I've learned alot. I just choose to ignore that voice that lays it all bare and tells you what you should be doing. What is love worth and how far do you go for it? Especially, if you're going alone.
"To fear love is to fear life,and those who fear life are already three parts dead."-- Bertrand Russell(1872-1970) Philosopher, educator

Eat Drink And Be Merry

I have the best news!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only is my very dear friend Dan Chapman unharmed from his time in Iraq, but he is HOME!!!!!!! Finally, some 'good' news, God knows I needed it. I was so pleased to hear from him I had a party in my pants. Dan if you're reading this WELCOME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im sure my happiness is only surpassed by his wife Kellys. Ive gotta tell ya that just made my day, no news has been so welcome as this for a long time. Dan you're were sorely missed and much loved. Hugs and kisses to Kelly and Serenity.
As great as my despair has been so is my joy at having my friend home safe and sound.

I Will Remeber You

Well, if I could get some quiet I might be able to make some sense of ......well.....something. My boyfriend's sister passed away last week. Passed away being the PC term. She actually overdosed, and died on my kitchen floor. I cant even stand to go in my apartment let alone stay there. Im getting evicted the 31st anyway, (thanks to mt boyfriends sister, previous thing and what not.) So I really am kinda homeless. I just cant believe she's gone. Yeah, we fought like cats and dogs, or well sisters, but what's that in the grand scheme of things. It doesnt mean I didnt love her, I surely didnt want anything to happen to her ; other than maybe get clean, have a good life, be loved, be happy. I wonder at what her boyfriend must be feeling right now. To know he'll never hold her, kiss her lips, hear her voice. At this point it's almost beyond my comprehension, it just doesnt even bear thinking on; but how can you not think about it. I wish I could just sleep for six months and wake up and everythings happy happy, joy joy. Life sadly is more complex and infinitely more painful...........and beautiful. For every moment of agonizing grief there is a moment of sheer bliss, for every life a death. I only pray that Jeanie finds what she was looking for wherever she is now.