Another One Bites The Dust

Well, its been awhile, Im sure all of my faithful readers (ha ha) have missed me terribly. I'll have my internet back soon and so will be posting regularly. I miss writing, alot really. I do have a good excuse I suppose, since I've been thru hell and back since the last time I wrote. I've had a monkey or more apropos a demon on my back. Heroin. Yeah you read me right. Getting clean was hard, facing my family......much harder. I cant remember ever feeling so ashamed. I could barely look my parents in the eye. I know how much it hurt them,but sadly this is life and it has no rewind button, God knows some days I wish it did. All my life I've been the anti-drug queen so needless to say my friends and family were more than shocked when they found out I was a drug addict. What no one else knew my little secret was that 'I Knew' I had an addictive personality and that if I went over I might never come back. Hell, I almost didnt. Were it not for my mom's persistence and tenacity I might have not.I owe alot to my mom for being there for me. She'll probably never know how grateful I am for everything. I would have been lost without her. People talk about how great the high is, no one ever tells you that it bleeds your soul dry and leaves nothing but a rotting shell of what you used to be. I could see it, feel it, but I couldnt seem to stop it. Without my mom's strength I'd probably be dead by now. I wanted to die, I tried to kill myself, twice, but to no avail. God must want me for a reason, I only wish I had the wisdom to see what for. Meanwhile, back at the ranch......my boyfriend has been really supportive, seeing as how he wanted me off drugs to. Unfortunately he seems to lack the ability, or the will to make me happy. I love him God knows I do, but he's never around he seems to have time and energy for everyone else and then there's nothing left over for me. He wants me to be his wife, but he doesnt seem to know how to be a husband and refuses to allow me to guide him in matters I know more about. I've thought about leaving, Hell I've even tried, but this part of me refuses to let go. I never have been much of a quitter, guess im not going to change now. As long as he holds my heart I'll be with him for better or worse. No matter how much he yells, or ignores me. I cant help myself. I never could do things the easy way (sigh). When we're together it's like magic, and yet I still feel lonely all the time. I try to talk to him, but he gets so unreasonable. He cant seem to have a civil discussion. Everyday I pray for guidance and yet that still small voice remains silent. Perhaps Im not listening hard enough, or more likely I dont want to hear what it has to say because it's not what I want to hear. I cant change the world only myself, and I think that may be my hardest lesson of all.
Sadness fills my heart at every turn, will I ever regain what I have lost?